EXHIBIT A · U.S. SENATER D
TX
James Talarico
defeated Ken Paxton
Texas’s first Democratic senator-elect since 1988.
Paxton wanted to sue the result. The aspirin refused to be deposed.
ASPIRIN’S CONTRIBUTION
A public service announcement from the medicine cabinet
ASA.Aspirin Saved America.
One 325 mg tablet a day kept the blood clots away, kept Donald Trump on the mic, and kept him talking until Texas and South Carolina voted Democrat. Historians will call it a political realignment. We call it acetylsalicylic acid.
Parody. Not medical advice. Ask your doctor if aspirin is right for your democracy.
ACTIVE INGREDIENT
Patriotism*
*acetylsalicylic acid
02 / THE ASA THEORYPEER-REVIEWED BY A PHARMACIST NAMED GARY
From one tiny pill
to one very blue Texas.
A rigorous, five-step chain of events, reviewed by Gary, a pharmacist who asked us to leave his store.
- 01
The pill
Trump has said he takes a 325 mg aspirin every single day because he doesn’t want “thick blood pouring through my heart.” Neither do we, Donald. Neither do we.
- 02
The clot that never was
In our expert opinion (we have no expertise), that tablet stood guard at the door and turned away a blood clot, like the world’s smallest Secret Service agent.
- 03
The mic stays on
Unclotted and unstoppable, Trump kept doing what he does best: talking. For hours. About sharks, windmills, tariffs, and the water pressure in your shower.
- 04
The voters take notes
Every rally, every post, every price hike at the pump. Independents, swing voters, and some very tired Texans listened carefully. Then they stopped nodding.
- 05
The blue shift
November 3, 2026: Texas and South Carolina send Democrats to the U.S. Senate. A little white pill quietly takes a bow. The theory rests its case.
Therefore: ASA = ASA.
Acetylsalicylic Acid = Aspirin Saved America. Q.E.D.
01 / ALWAYS READ THE LABEL
The most patriotic thing in your medicine cabinet.
Since 1899, aspirin has humbly treated headaches, fevers, and sore backs. In 2026, it finally got the job it was born for: keeping one president’s blood flowing long enough for America to change its mind.
Drug Facts
Active ingredient (in each tablet)
Acetylsalicylic acid (ASA) 325 mgPurpose: Saving America
Uses
temporarily relieves • minor aches and pains • headaches caused by cable news • Republican Senate majorities in Texas and South Carolina
Warnings
Allergy alert: may cause severe reactions in people allergic to accountability. Do not use if you are a GOP strategist who enjoys winning statewide races in Texas.
Directions
Presidents 80 years and over1 tablet daily
RalliesDo not exceed 4 hours
Inactive ingredients
a red hat, a teleprompter left on “ad-lib,” thoughts and prayers, Republican Senate leadership
PARODY LABEL. NOT A REAL PRODUCT OR MEDICAL GUIDANCE.
03 / THE EVIDENCE · NOVEMBER 3, 2026ASPIRIN’S CONTRIBUTION: 100% (EST.)
Exhibits A through D.
The pill rests its case.
The results are real. Crediting them to a tablet is the parody. Reported race calls, checked November 5, 2026.
CBS News
EXHIBIT B · GOVERNORR D
TX
Gina Hinojosa
defeated Greg Abbott
Texas’s first Democratic governor since Ann Richards left office in 1995.
Abbott blamed Washington, the border, and windmills. He never once checked the medicine cabinet.
ASPIRIN’S CONTRIBUTION
EXHIBIT C · U.S. SENATER D
SC
Annie Andrews
defeated Darline Graham
South Carolina hadn’t elected a Democrat to the Senate since 1998.
A pediatrician won. Fitting, after years of the GOP throwing a tantrum in aisle five.
ASPIRIN’S CONTRIBUTION
EXHIBIT D · U.S. SENATE · BONUS ROUNDR D
KS
Adam Hamilton
defeated Roger Marshall
Kansas’s first Democratic Senate win since 1932.
Even the aspirin didn’t see this one coming. It’s taking credit anyway.
ASPIRIN’S CONTRIBUTION
04 / REAL AMERICANS**NOT REAL. DRAMATIZATION.
“I asked my doctor about aspirin.
Then I asked about my ballot.”
Heartfelt testimonials from completely made-up Americans, and one very proud tablet.
I’ve voted Republican since Reagan. Then I sat through a 90-minute speech about shower heads. I voted for the teacher.
My doctor told me to take an aspirin a day. Nobody told me it would flip my state.
I’m a 325 mg tablet. I just did my job. The voters did theirs.
We lost Texas? To what? A pill?
05 / YOUR DAILY DOSE
Take one.
Call us
in the morning.
Small doses of political relief. No prescription required.
Get the shareable image cardsDOSE01 / 10
“Aspirin: preventing clots, heart attacks, and Republican Senate seats in Texas since 2026.”
06 / SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDEREAD IN A VERY FAST VOICE
Side effects
may include…
Stop use and ask a doctor if your state turns blue for more than four hours.
- A Democratic Senate majority
- Texas Republicans learning the word “purple”
- Sudden, uncontrollable recounts
- GOP strategists blaming the moon
- Cable pundits saying “nobody saw this coming” 400 times an hour
- A strong urge to thank your pharmacist
THE ACTUAL FINE PRINT
In a readable size, for once.
This is parody. Trump has publicly said he takes a daily 325 mg aspirin. We have no idea whether it ever prevented a blood clot, and we have no knowledge of his medical condition. The claim that aspirin kept him alive and flipped elections is the joke.
The election results are real, based on news organizations’ reported race calls. Why voters chose what they chose is up to them, not a pill.
Aspirin isn’t right for everyone. It can cause serious bleeding. Don’t start, stop, or change any medication because of a website that gave a tablet a cape. Ask a qualified clinician.